Something Like...

I’m not used to not getting what I want. I’m not used to being told I can’t go to Tandem. I’m not used to not being able to buy all the baby carrots and bananas and spinach I want. I’m not used to having to stand in a long line at Aldi when I go early on a Thursday morning. I’m not used to having my kids home all day every day. I’m not used to having my kids on screens for schoolwork. I’m not used to planning meals with the thought that I might not have avocados. 

But what I am used to is staying home. I’m used to sitting outside and thinking. I’m used to taking walks and thinking some more. I’m used to reading books. I’m used to texting my friends to stay in touch. I’m used to trying to put my experiences into words. 

While much has changed in my particular life due to COVID-19, much has also stayed the same. I’m thankful for both, actually. I feel like I am having a more full human experience by having to accept what I cannot change right now. I’m also finding some enjoyment in trying to find a mental construct in my brain in which to place this experience, “a peg to hang it on,” so to speak. I keep straining to figure out what this experience is like, to then be able to say, Oh I know, it’s like that other time….but most of the comparisons I have come up with are not even things I’ve personally been through. So I can’t say I know. But here are some things I have been pondering this past week:

Is this something like racial segregation, being told I can’t go in a certain store or restaurant?

Is this something like a concentration camp, living with suffering and not knowing how long it will last?

Is this something like poverty, not getting to buy the food I want for my family? 

Is this something like prison, not being allowed to leave the premises?

Is this something like summer, with kids home all the time and minimal time alone?

Is this something like loneliness, wishing for human interaction and not knowing how to get it? 

Is this something like having a child with a terminal illness, always being careful where they go and what they are exposed to? 

Is this something like Jesus in the Garden, wanting to have company in his suffering?

Is this something like the persecuted Church, not being allowed to meet together?

Is this something like Heaven, time out of time or beyond time? 

I am grateful for these tastes of other ways many people have lived or are living still. I am not used to not getting what I want, but I am more used to it than I was a week ago. I have moved closer to the center of the human experience and I know God is sitting with me in this tiny bit of suffering as He has sat with those who have suffered and continue to suffer much more than I do. Praise Him for making all things new, even my selfish heart that has known so little need. I need avocados and bread and to not get what I want.